Kry Me a River Kafe
by ecnal nogardnap
Summary: With the release of MK7 and yet more angst, Midway's employees are going insane. The solution? Make a kafe to facilitate their needs!


_**Mortal Kombat: Kry Me a River Kafe**_

Disclaimer: Midway owns MK, not me. Cookie to whoever guesses the sources for the info used here besides my first MK fic!

Summary: With the release of MK7 and more angst and depth than ever before, Midway's employees are starting to go insane as a result. In response, there was but one solution…Make a café to facilitate the kombatants' needs.

A.N.: Once again, if you like angst, you should go away. You've been warned, angst-mongerers! Oh, and this is rather short.

Our story begins not in some distant realm, nor the bowels of heck. It does not involve the greatest conqueror of realms or the champion of Mortal Kombat. Instead, our story begins in the office of Ed Boon, 1 week before the release of Mortal Kombat 7…

The door knocks. Ed Boon finishes running through the summary of his latest MK game and turns his attention to the knocking.

"It's open!"

To his surprise, the stars of this next game come in. Many of them with a sombre look on their face.

"Oh, hey guys. How are you today?"

Then, the emotional dam breaks.

"Mr. Boon, I can't take it anymore! I wanna die!" Kitana wails.

"The soldiers are pressuring me to give them hope!" Kung Lao whines.

"Help me decide the plot involving my family's resurrection! The inner conflict is killing me!" Scorpion demands.

"Those damned good guys won't stop trying to turn me back!" Sonya moans.

The office is stormed by countless others and soon Boon can't make head or tail of it. Frankly speaking, he stopped caring as soon as the rest of the cast dropped by and ruined his office.

"STOP! STOP! I'LL BE GLAD TO SETTLE YOUR PROBLEMS AT A LATER DATE! BUT NOW I'M REALLY BUSY!"

Kintaro lifted Boon up with his 4 arms. 4 MASSIVE arms.

"You not understand, puny human! You fix why Kintaro hate himself NOW!"

Shouts of approval were heard.

Boon sighs.

"Fine, guys, look, if you'll be patient, I'll DEFINITELY solve your problems later. I'll even tell you my idea! Listen, it's…"

"Oh, no!" Sub Zero protested. "We've already tried your suggestion box!"

"Yeah! It blew up in our faces!" shouted Rain.

"No, listen for once…Here's how it works…"

-A few weeks later…-

Neon lights shine brightly in the form of cursive letters and a cup of coffee. Several warriors, both new to the series and old, walk in. The spirit/newly revived Liu Kang is trying to coax his friend in.

"C'mon, Lao! It'll be good for you!"

"But Liu…I don't even deserve to…"

Liu Kang sighs.

"Kung, it's not a strip club. But if you wanna play hardball…Scorpion!"

"GET OVER HERE!"

A harpoon spears Kung Lao and he is pulled over into the building, screaming.

"Don't worry!" the MK champ shouts to his friend. "Your emotional pain will FAR outweigh the present physical pain in your chest!"

Inside, a line is formed to get to the counter. Some unknown and unimportant Tarkata, Centaurs and Shokan stand guard, making sure the more reluctant guests don't leave.

At the counter, dealings are made.

"Welcome to 'Kry Me a River Kafe', where our specially trained support groups kry rivers for you. What's the problem?" the clerk asks the ninja spectre we all know.

"I…I don't know where I stand now…On the one hand, I have this sudden and uncharacteristic desire to do good, yet on the other hand I have this irrepressible desire to have my family back and…"

"Room 5B. Inner conflicts."

"Thank you…"

"Next!"

Mileena steps up.

"I…I betrayed the only one to ever love me to fulfil my compulsive need to feel loved about my own self and…Could I have a mocha cuppachino?"

"Room 3S. Self-fulfilment impulses. And here you go, deary. Next!"

_-Room 7M: Recurring thoughts of suicide/others…-_

"A LIE! It was all a LIE! The worst part was, I LIKED living that lie! But I don't wanna! And now, I came back and did even worse things!"

Kitana's whining was followed by several employees in the room breaking out into tears. It filled the already noisy area with more crying.

"Oh, I don't want to live anymore! Liu is gone, I might have KILLED my mother, and STILL the shadow of my own accursed past threatens to consume…!"

Suddenly, an uncommonly loud cry is heard. The weeping head of this group walks out and bangs on the door of 7N: Regretful Hypocrites.

"Can't you hear we have a poor princess who can't even love herself!" the head demanded as he slammed on the door. The door opens and Hotaru's support group head walks out.

"You're so insensitive! Can you not see how Hotaru feels pain over having to resort to chaos to achieve order?" the other head demands.

"OH, GODS, IT FEELS LIKE I RAPED MYSELF! I'M UNCLEEAAN!" came the voice of the Seidan Guardsman.

"You just don't understand…!" the emotional aid of the princess blubbered.

"No, YOU don't understand…!" Hotaru's helper shot back. The 2 of them then proceeded to cry really loudly before being helped back into their rooms.

"Coffee! Decaf! I got it all! Who wants some coffee! Helps perk up your angsty warrior, no matter the size, race or realm of origin!" shouted a vendor.

_-Room 2D: Switching of alignments (regardless of magical tampering or not)…-_

"So then I finally decided what the heck! It was a lost cause from the start! I gave and gave and gave, and what'd those bastards ever give back? Nothing but heartache!"

The crew weeps as Sonya rants, but then she stops suddenly.

"What, you got a problem with that! You laughing at me, punk!"

One of the employees manages to speak through tears.

"No, Sonya, we really weep for you and…"

"I don't NEED your pity!" she screams, blowing a kiss of death directly at the guy, setting him ablaze.

"Yes! That's it! Express your rage!" the hapless guy screams through the pain. Suddenly, a couple of centaurs walk through and duck to go in.

"Sonya Blade, we're afraid we'll have to show you out of the premises. 'Kry Me a River Kafe' does not take too kindly to our employees being burned to a crisp," they said, wearing black suits and shades on their top halves.

"You can't do this to me, you punks!" she scowled. She took hold of a cup of hot coffee, drank it and swiftly spat it at them. They didn't even flinch.

"Actually, we have superior intellect, strength and special skills. We can very easily take you down. Now come with us…"

After a brief scuffle, the unfortunate army babe was thrown onto the street.

_-Room 3A: Inferiority complexes…-_

Kung Lao walks out of the room of crying people. He wipes his eyes dry and turns to them with his cup of java.

"Thanks, guys! I feel better already! I'll come back when I need to!"

The tearful guides waved at Kung Lao and then resumed crying like mad. On his way, Kung Lao bumped into Jade who was about to go in.

"Whoa, Jade?"

"K…Kung Lao! You…You weren't supposed to see me like this…I mean, I…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm feeling better already. Why don't you walk right in there and we'll talk all this out over some coffee? Huh?"

Jade looks down.

"Well…OK…But only if you're sure you don't have more important…"

"Hey, relax! The author might even make a one-shot for us if you lighten up!"

"Um…Did you say… 'us'?"

"Well, yeah. 'Us'. Plural. C'mon, Jade. They brew some of the best coffee here…" he says, taking hold of her and pulling her into the room.

_-Closing time…-_

As the last warrior leaves, the clerk at the counter looks at the mess of rivers made. She sighs and pulls a lever. A flushing sound is heard and soon the tears are sucked up.

"Well…Guess that's that…Sigh…Never have I seen a more troubled bunch than that…"

More cries were heard as well as protests over insensitivity. The floor suddenly got wet again at a quicker rate.

"Ugh…Not AGAIN…"

_**The End?**_

A.N.: Seriously, if I have the time and ideas, I MIGHT make KL/Jade. Anyways, hope you enjoyed this fic! If you're yet another angst-mongerer thinking something along the lines of 'zw00tomfg t3h n00biez suxorrrz angst iz ze pwnzorzzz!', I can only say I DID warn you again!


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